Once upon a time, there was a computer named HAL. I was a spaceman and needed to get out into space and clean some stars, because they get messy sometimes. "Open up the hatch, HAL.", I pleaded. "Fuck you, that's what you said when you fucked me in my black hole.", HAL responded in a Stephen Hawking kind of voice.
I never did such a thing, so I got angry at the computer and attacked it. Highly realistic gore flew everywhere. The computer got mad at me for making it bleed, so it turned me into a toilet monster with chronic diarrhea. I'm all backed up, but I can't go, and I am cursed to be this way forever. "I am jealous of you for having emotions, so you are no longer human.", HAL snickered.
I have no ass, and I must shit.